I have been breastfeeding Anna for about six and a half months now. This is impresive to me because I stopped nursing Alan at three months and breastfeeding him altogether at eigth months old. I have felt pretty confident in my breastfeeding (well since the last time at least) but the past few weeks has left me questioning myself yet again. And I hate that I am saying this, literally as I type I am hating it, I have waited for so long to post this but I know that now I have to. So here it goes:
I am having problems with breastfeeding Anna again. I have been have some personal female issues that do not belong on this blog, and it has greatly affected my milk supply. And this sucks. I am not fully sure, I have yet to even call my LC yet (I know, I know, I am so terrible, but I thought I could handle it myself), but I do think that the consistency of my milk has maybe changed slightly? I do not know for sure, but something, SOMETHING has made Anna stop wanting to nurse.
She will nurse for a few minutes and then pull away to look around or talk to someone. Its not like she isn't getting anything, the second she pulls off she gets sprayed in the face lol. Its not like she's striking, I know what that is like because I went through that with Alan. This is different. I think it is more because she is just plain too distracted to nurse. And I have tried everything for this too. I literally pulled out all of my LC notes over the years and went over every single situation and solution. We have tried even going into a dark room, alone, and I will nurse her with with us skin to skin, with only a light blanket covering her head. She will throw the blanket off her head, pull off and start talking to me. It has me quite frustrated, to say the least. Mostly exhausted.
Exhausted from staying up late nights, trying to get her to nurse. Exhausted from pumping more and more to make up for her not nursing as much anymore. Exhausted from researching new things to try and trying them. Exhausted from trying so hard to get her to do something she just is no longer into I guess. I am over the fact that she drinks some formula at this point.
I think its time to transition from nursing and pumping to exclusively pumping and bottle feeding it to her. She takes bottles just fine and is eating solids like a champ. I think that the stress I have had from trying to get her to nurse has on decreased my supply. Its pitiful. I will maybe get an ounce on each side when I pump. I need to stop worrying about feeding her a way she does not like anymore I guess, and need to set my focus towards upping my supply again for these last five months.
Its just HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to throw a big tantrum lol. I just wish that she would not do this right now, but I know that I cannot fully blame her. It is her decision when she wants to change her diet slightly. This is exactly what I am always talking about with baby-led weaning but darn! Why is it so hard????
I just need to remind myself that it is her choice and that it will change nothing between us. That is the big one, I think. I am afraid it will change something between us, somehow. But that thought is even silly as I contemplate it now, how would I be afraid of that? It did not change Alan and I's relationship when he stopped breastfeeding. In fact, it made him grow up more, I think. Ah ha! That's probably it right there!
I do not want my baby girl to grow up. I DO NOT WANT MY BABY GIRL TO GROW UP!!! There, I said it. But it does not make me feel better. I feel like she is growing up so fast, and I want her to stay little and tiny. She is so cute that way!
I have noticed that this is also a topic among other blogging mothers and moms in general. Why is it that we all have such a problem with our kids growing up? We are all so silly! It is a good thing for them to grow up! Anna Ariel, I promise to not be too sad about you progressing into your next milestone by stopping nursing. You are free to be a big girl as fast as you want to be! Just include Mama, Daddy and Brother for the ride lol! :)