Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Not feeling very happy today, I'll keep my post short...

I have had a very hectic and stressful day today, and don't feel like writing all that much. But then I remember what my therapist always used to tell me, writing is therapeutic. So I will do my best to get as much vented out as possible, without sounding too much like a whiner lol. I don't like to be negative but sometimes it is necessary. So please bear with me everyone. :)

I was finally able to get my car from the mechanic's shop this morning. What a relief to have it back again! Snow has fallen and it would not be too much fun walking in this weather. But with the relief comes more financial stresses. As usual... :) We told the mechanic to only fix the mandatory thing, the brakes. And the mechanic followed my request, but had "bad news" for me. Grrrr. :\ According to him the power steering is leaking, my alignment is out, my oil is in desperate need of a change, and all four of my tires are bad. One I shouldn't even be driving on. He estimated the full cost of all the eventual work to be somewhere around a grand (and that's minus the oil change, he didn't want to overcharge me on that so he reccommended I go to Master Lube) ouch! The brake work itself was already $175 and I'm still paying the car off! I know it was a used car, but I'm starting to think maybe I got sucked in to buying a lemon... Grrr! :\ Oh well, at least it runs, FOR NOW.

Work has been very stressful for me lately also. I work five to seven hours a day, six days a week, year round. And in two of my departments I really have no chance to get time off. After all, I don't have any replacement subs for my art class. And let me tell you, working at a daycare is hard and hectic, like all the time. There will be days where I have gone the whole shift holding a screaming baby, or several screaming babies lol. I am sometimes jokinly known as the Multiple Baby Lady there, and often will juggle two (or even three once!) babies at once. At the end of the night, I come home and turn everything off in my house except for Alan's classical music, just for peace and quiet from the day. Still, I just have to bear through it and remind myself everytime it gets hard that this is the perfect job for me and my current situation. Alan can stay with me for three hours a day, for only twenty dollars a month (and that's for gym membership too!). I need this job and I have to work hard and just get through it. But its been hard on me lately... :\

I've also been really lonely lately. Between our work schedules and Lon's therapy, I barely get to see him for more than a few hours each day. I only ever see my family for a few minutes during the week and sometimes on the weekends, and I feel like I'm missing out on my siblings everday lives. I haven't gone out and done something with any of my friends in over a month, and haven't seen my best friend since we began my wedding planning in February. No one seems to call or text my phone anymore, unless it has something to do with work or Alan. And now my phone is broken, so that idea is gone out the window anyways... And when I do get a chance to finally tell someone about my stresses and anxiety, they simply tell me "Well that's just life" or "Welcome to adulthood." Uh thanks but no thanks? I'm telling you my stresses because I would like some emotional/mental support and telling me that doesn't help me. It just upsets me more. I don't need negativity right now, I need something positive.

*Sigh* I think my anxiety disorder is starting to creep back up into me. Maybe that's really just my whole problem. Its hard to take care of myself and keep tabs on my own mental disorder, when I'm being such a pillar for Lon and overcoming his Bipolar. I'm not complaining and I will always be there for him, I simply feel like lately I have been slipping into depression and losing all motivation to do anything way too much lately. Maybe its time for me to go talk to Lon's therapist and get a new perspective. *Sigh* I just wish that perspective wasn't $100 an hour... Anyone have any perspective for me that's free??? Please make it constructive, not rude please. Like I said previously in my post, I don't need any negativity.

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