Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Struggling...

Once again, it is very late while I type this. Or perhaps early because the beautiful sun is now coming up. But really, I hate that term or saying, whatever you would call it. I personally do not think its early until you have gone to bed and already woken up. If you have yet to go to sleep for the night, its late. So for Anna and I its late. In a half hour it will be early for Lon. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that.

This post is me being honest to you, my fellow readers. I may have been posting alot lately, but I haven't been entirely honest with you.

I have been struggling... for some time now.

We have alot on our plate as a family right now. There has been quite a bit that I have not shared with you. I'm sorry. The gym Lon works for is reopening so there is the stress he brings home from that. Not to mention that his boss is his best friend, so I NEVER hear the end of it. I just started work again myself and am now leaving Anna for two and a half hours twice a week. I am struggling to pump enough to provide for her while she is gone. We have just under a month now to find an apartment, sign a lease to this one, or be evicted. We will not sign another lease here but I cannot find a new place for the life of me. And I have been looking for a month now. Our assistance keeps getting messed up by incompetent social workers, causing me to do more work then I should have to. Lon just got a call yesterday from our family's mechanic that my Camry is officially totaled. He had to take the engine apart to fix something and now that its all back together, the darn thing will not run at all. He says it was only running still because of all the gunk but now that its clean everything is too warped and ruined for it to even start. Alan regressed with potty training badly and we are struggling to even get him to go now. Every paycheck, no matter how many hours Lon works, we always come up short one something important. I thought at first it was bad budgeting but now I am starting to think its just bad luck.

Above all, I'm exhausted and stressed about being home alone all day and night with the kids. I am grateful to mostly be a stay at home mother to my children, but its hard not seeing anyone all day. The few hours that Lon is home he is usually eating, sleeping or showering. We get maybe fifteen minutes of conversation time a day. And I do not blame him one bit, he is my super hero for working as hard as he does, it still sucks. I get pretty lonely. And the children sometimes get overwhelming during the day. And some nights I can't sleep even though everyone else is, just because I am still thinkng of everything that needs to be done. Its frustrating. I love my children but that is the truth. Its frustrating.

I think there may be some of my postpartum anxiety creeping up in me, and I am scared to tell Lon. I do not know why, he was my biggest supporter when I had it with Alan. I think it might be because I am ashamed to admit it to myself. Today I did. I texted Lon while he was at work that we needed to talk about me later tonight. I called my midwife and told her, we scheduled a phone appointment for later this week. And I called our local NAMI to figure out when their support groups are. I think that will be my first route. I want to stay away from Zoloft or any other anti-depressants for now, until after I have tried support groups and/or therapy. I want to kick this fast this time around.

If you are struggling with anxiety of any kind or postpartum depression, or maybe just need someone to talk to, please email me at jkdesignster@gmail.com anytime. I am always available to talk or even just listen. Please do not feel alone (like I did) there is always someone there for support! Just look!

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